Dear Poppa,
As I sit here writing this, tears stream down my face. I'm overwhelmed with sadness and in the same breath I'm angry that you've made me cry again. I just want to forget you. Like some stupid boyfriend in college. I'd cry for a good 30 minute stretch and then sulk for a few days. But after that I'd get my kick ass dress and some great fucking red heels on. And for anyone that doesn't know me- I am in love with ALL red heels. They make me feel invincible. All I want to do to rid myself of this lame guy is go dance. Dance my ass off. Dance and sweat. Dance until I can't feel my feet. Dance the bad experience away with just me and my great red heels. That's what I want to do.
The problem is...you're my dad. Not just some guy. You're not some guy I can just dance away. I am, as they say, cut from the same cloth. So I can't forget. No beautiful pair of red heels, no dancing, and no crying will make me forget. I don't know how to forget you, and even my go to arsenal wont work. Not for this man.
I don't know how to make the hole you've created in my heart fill. I can't even begin to think of good things to fill that hole with. People with good intentions always say things like, "you'll heal in time" or "you'll find your way" or "you're so strong so you'll find a way to deal". Actual people have said those things to me. I want to believe them. I want to think that some day in the future I wont feel a hole. I wont be broken or hurt. I wont cry again over the same man I've cried too many tears for already.
People say things like "focus on your baby and your husband" and "let your family be your saving grace". I've tried that. And God knows I love them with all of my heart and soul and I wouldn't be sane today if it weren't for them. But, they aren't here to heal the wounds you've caused. Its not on them to fix the pain I feel. Its on you Pop.
You have single handily destroyed a bit of my soul. You destroyed the piece that believed in fairies and Santa Clause. The part of me that believed in happy endings and the princess having it all. And yes, I am a grown woman that knows about the truth of all this child like magic. But what you broke was far worse and housed in the same department as all my childhood magic. You crushed the fairytale I still believed in. The last one I really really thought was true. Its the one where people are intrinsically good. The fairytale where humans are all good and mean the very best, even when they go about it in the wrong ways. In the end people are always good. That's what I most wanted to believe long after the days of flying reindeer and an egg delivering bunny. That was perhaps the biggest lie of them all.
You were Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and the good guy. The guy that was the measuring stick for all my relationships. The example of what to be. But just like with old Saint Nick, someone always ruins the fun. Someone always tells the truth.
The truth is you're not the good guy. You're not the pillar of strength. You are not my hero. You are just a guy that cared more about himself than his family. You are the guy that threw it all away for a few moments of self gratification. People are not all good- especially the one man that seemed to be the best of the best-the ace in a deck of jokers. No, you are not a fairytale. You are just a normal human that has failed at being my example. Failed at being my dad and my hero.
I don't know what's worse, writing that you have failed me or knowing that you will read this and have to look yourself in the face and know this is what you've done. I don't envy you knowing you have broken the last little bit of magic left in your daughter's life. I don't know if I could look myself in the face if I did that to my child.
-Your first born
