My phone rings as I held it to dial. Its my mom. That happens a lot with us. We say we're using our ESP.
"Hi Mom"
"Hi. I got into Dad's credit card online," she tells me.
"Seriously? That's genius. That means we can track him. How did you figure that out?"
Okay you probably need a little back story right about now. Ever since I can remember, my dad has been really really bad with money. We always just thought he was one of those guys that didn't know how to save very well. Never did we see it as a "sign" of sorts.
Along with my Dad's inability to save money, somewhere along the line, he stopped using any checking accounts and dealt with only cash. He always had a really good story about that- "I like cash better", "I don't trust banks" "Too many fees". In this day and age, you need a credit card, so Dad went out and got one of those pre-paid Walmart cards, and Mom just happened to save the credit card information from a few of his pre-paid cards.
"I went on the Internet and got into his online account," she tells me.
"How did you do that?"
"I know your father so well, I only had to guess at the password a couple times."
"Good job Mom. Okay, let me get onto the computer lets look at it together."
Mom gives me all the information and we pull up the history of the credit card together.
"So the last transaction was in Whitehall, PA. The Red Roof Inn," I say.
"Yeah. Look at the date- its on the 10th. That's the last time I spoke to your father."
"It was declined though. I wonder if he's still there. Wait a minute, where did he tell you his job was?" I question.
"Skokie Illinois."
"Seriously? How far is Skokie from Whitehall? Kinda far right?"
"Yeah. Its 3 states away," mom tells me. I think maybe I should brush up on my geography. C'mon, 3rd grade was a long time ago. Don't judge!
"Holy Shit," I exclaim. I can't seem to keep the profanities in anymore.
"We should probably file a missing person's report. Something could have happened to him Sam. The last time I spoke to him he said he was really really sick. All I keep thinking is that he's dead on the road somewhere laying in the snow and nobody can see him. Do you think you can do that? The kids are right here and I don't want to scare them. I can't talk to the police without them hearing me. You know your sister, she'll be all over it. I'll call the Red Roof Inn and text you."
"Okay Mom. Sounds Good."
I immediately call Illinois State Police to file the report. After the run-around, I'm told to file the report in Dad's home state. Then I call his home state, and they tell me to call the state of his last known whereabouts to file the report. It turns out, filing a missing persons report is not that easy. Now I'm frustrated, so I take a break from my calling to do a bit of googling.
(And for all of you mother's out there....guess who watched my beautiful boy as I busily worked away at finding my dad? Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Yep that's right. I won't be getting the mother of the year award anytime soon! OHHH Tooodles.)
So the first thing I do is Google my dad's name. At the top of the list is a public record of court cases. Okay lets click on that link. Dad had at least 6 court cases in the last 4 years- people suing him for anywhere between $4,000 to $14,000. I also find a pending court date on January 5th. What in God's name was my dad doing? As I navigate the court website for more information, my phone rings.
"Hi Mom. What's up."
"So I've been looking through your father's things. I looked in the garage and some other hiding places your dad has and I found a bunch of papers I've never seen. There's so much crap here, but it looks like there's at least 4 warrants of arrest for Dad," she tells me.
"What? Are you kidding me? What the hell for?"
"They don't say, they just give the court information. But I also found this letter. Something about shoplifting at Walmart. Its signed by a security guard. Something about your dad not being the one that did it," she explains.
"What?!?!?" I think I've been saying that a lot lately.
"I seriously can't believe this Mom. Can you send it to me?"
"Yeah. Hold on I'll take a picture and I'll email it to you."
This is the actual letter:
"I mean. I don't even know what to say Mom. Did you know Dad got sued a bunch of times since 2007?" I ask.
"What? No. What do you mean?"
"There's a handful of people that sued him. The largest one was like $14,000."
"Oh my God. What did they sue him for?" she asks me.
"They don't have that information the the website, just who sued him and how much was awarded in the end," I explain.
"Its like I'm stuck in some other person's life. I mean things have been feeling off for a while, especially since your father has been traveling for work, but this is like a whole different person. I don't even know him anymore. He's a stranger." Mom says.
"Did you find anything else?" I question.
"That was weird." I say trying to think back to some other signs.
"And then remember when we went to visit you and went to the Queen Mary? Your father bought a lighter and a shot glass. Your dad hasn't smoked in almost 20 years. When I asked him about it he said it was for his friend, but who knows," Mom tells me.
"There's got to be something going on Mom. Do you think he's gambling or something?" I ask
"He's definitely hiding a big part of himself. Remember when the phone company changed my phone number without permission?" she asks me.
"Yeah, and then the caller ID said you were someone else for like a month."
"Yeah, well you know its a joint account, and when I called to get it changed back the lady told me the address on file. Sam, it wasn't our address. It was some address like 15 miles from here."
"What? So, do you think Dad has a different family or something?" I question as my head begins to spin.
"I don't know Sam. Maybe. He just is so different lately. He came home once with a shirt that said 'The Beast' on the front. I asked him what it was and he just said it was some old shirt. I have never seen that shirt in my life. Sam, when he wore that shirt he walked around like a peacock showing of his feathers. He had this weird smirk on his face like he knew some secret."
"I just. I don't even know what to say Mom. I'm so confused and in shock"
"I know. And the worst part is that he didn't leave me any money. It's only a couple weeks away from Christmas. The kids don't have anything under the tree, and I just don't have enough to get them stuff. Your father asked for every last dime I saved up. He said he needed to fix his truck," she says and gets very very quiet. "I'm gonna go get the kids from the park. Let me know if you hear anything."
"Okay Mom. We'll figure something out okay. I promise the kids will have a good Christmas. I'm going to call the police again now. Mom, I love you."
---------------------
I spend the better half of the day trying to get someone on the line that will help me in some way. Finally I get a bite in the late afternoon.
"Officer Seiling," says a man in a gruff masculine voice.
"Hi Officer. I need to report my father missing," I tell him.
"What makes you think he's missing?" he questions.
"Its been 4 days since we've talked to him, and we can't seem to find him," I reply
"Is he taking any medications?" he asks in a very stereotypical harsh police get-to-the-point type of voice.
"Um. No, but he's never not called. I mean this is really unusual for him to just not call. Its just not normal you know."
"Where was he last?" he questions gruffly.
"Well, he was supposed to be in Skokie Illinois, but we hacked into his credit card information and the last transaction took place at the Whitehall Red Roof Inn."
"Was he traveling in a car?"
"Um. Yeah. I think so."
"I'll need the plates."
"Oh. Okay give me a sec." I start texting my mom frantically for the licence plate number.
"What's does your father look like?" he asks me.
"Well he kinda looks like Santa without the beard. Really pink skin. Around 6 foot. Kinda heavy," I tell the officer.
"Date of birth?" he questions.
"December 24th 1959. "
"What's his phone number?"
"(480) XXX-9606. Oh but we think that he might be involved with some other women, so should I give you those numbers too?" I ask him, thinking maybe this will peak his interest. Nope.
"Yes. Go ahead."
As I give the officer the other numbers, I can't shake the feeling that's he's just not into this. Its like he's only half listening.
Mom texts to me:
Dad in rental car. I'll call rental company.
"Um Officer I guess my dad is in a rental car. My mom just texted."
"Okay, well I'm going to have to put a report together and see if my superior will put this in as a missing person's report," the officer tells me.
"Oh, you mean there's a chance he won't be reported missing? I don't understand."
"Well, he's a grown man, doesn't need medication, so chances are he just doesn't want to be found," he tells me in a matter-of-fact voice.
I want to scream at him "BUT HE'S MY DAD. MY ONLY DAD. SO FIND HIM YOU BASTARD."
Instead I say, "Okay officer, I understand. When will I know if you can do the missing person's report?"
"Well, I have to type up the report and get it to my boss for approval, and its 4:15 here, so I'll probably call you tomorrow sometime."
Are you freaking serious? I can't believe I have to wait another day and I just got him on the line. UGH!
"Thanks officer. I appreciate that more than you know," I tell him. We exchange phone numbers and hang up feeling a little hopeless and very defeated.
-------------------
You know when you're going through something really really crazy, and its almost as if the "emotional" part of your brain does a disconnect. Like its so bad that your brain refuses to process fully. Well my brain was doing that this whole day. The only thing is, sooner or later it catches up with you.
By this time, a few good friends knew what was going on and were checking in on me to see if I was doing okay. My emotions caught up with me when my friend Ashleigh called me.
"How you doing girl?"
Cue the waterworks. Why does it always happen like that? It can be some random doesn't-mean-a-damn-thing comment and the tears just start flowing.
"I just don't know. I can't shake the feeling that something bad has happened. I just can't stop thinking that he's dead," I tell her through that half sob half talking hyperventilating voice thing.
"I just want you to know that whatever happens I'm here for you, but I'm also not gonna sugar coat it for you. I don't think this is gonna end well. I just have a feeling that things are certainly not going to be the same," she says.
"You know you're the first person that hasn't told me its going to turn out okay?"
"Well I just don't think it is, and I'm not going to lie to you," she tells me.
You know you have a really kick ass friend when they'll tell you the God's honest truth regardless of the pain it causes. The funny thing is, her telling me this gave me more comfort than any other cliche I had heard up until then...but it also made it a whole lot more real.
"Its just the not knowing that's killing me. I mean if he were dead it would be awful, but at least we would know. What if we never know? What if its like those TV shows where the person disappears and their families have to think about it every day forever? I don't know if I can handle that."
"Okay. I want you to listen good to this. You will find closure. We are going to help you get through whatever it is that happens. If he is gone, we'll work through that grief, and if he's just missing, well ...you are going to make your own closure. You can give yourself the closure and end that you need to move on and live your life with your beautiful baby and husband. That, I can promise you. We are going to do whatever it takes to get you through this okay girl?"
"Okay." I say as I begin to really loose it. I think Ashleigh could sense the big breakdown coming, because she gracefully and quickly ended the conversation.
If you've ever experienced real true grief, you know that it takes over your entire body and soul. Its like the overwhelming emotion oozes out of your pores and makes your body useless.
I fell to the floor crying. Okay it was more like that silent red face weeping thing. When my son does it, I call it the "ugly cry". Its the one where you just don't give crap about the snot running down your face or the horribly swollen red eyes. Its the cry were your body shuts down after the cry and puts you into an involuntary nap.
As I sat there crying, sobbing, and snotting all over myself, the only thing I could think of was a haunting image from my Uncle's funeral.
At my Uncle's funeral, I had made a very determined statement that I would not see his body lying in the coffin. I had released him and his body back a the hospital, and I was not willing to see his cold make-up covered face. I had my memory and I wasn't willing to let any other negative memory enter my consciousness. That was until my Great Uncle Martin decided that I needed the closure of seeing my uncle's dead body. My Great Uncle is over 6 feet and close to 300 pounds, so he literally picked me up from under my arms and dragged me in front of my uncle's body. And yes, I was a grown ass woman at this point.
If you've ever seen a body in a casket all made up, then you know it just doesn't look normal-its like an alternate universe likeness of the real person. When I looked at my uncle what I saw was my dad. He literally looked exactly like my Dad lying in that casket. This image of my dad lying cold and dead in a coffin shook me for years later.
Knowing my dad was missing and clearly up to no good, I couldn't help but relive this image and think that some day soon, I might actually be looking down at my own father. One day soon my own dad might be lying in that puffy satin lining of some stupid box that would change our lives forever.
I need to get home to my mom and the kids. I just need to be with them, so I book a flight home and start getting the massive amount of crap a 2 year old needs on a daily basis.
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