A Pause for Writer's Block

Okay. I'm so not a writer. Seriously. I'm not. I had to google basic dialogue rules, and I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong 85% of the time. Plus I always end with "she said" (Sorry about that. I know its redundant). BUT, despite my lack of writing skill, and all my warnings to y'all about my deficiencies, I have developed a problem. Somehow, someway I have self diagnosed yours-truly with writer's block. Or perhaps its better known as "I don't know how to open up and sift through all the emotions dealing with this particular chapter so I can't get a single word out syndrome".  A friend suggested that I write something else. Prescription filled. Here it goes:

I know you're reading this just after that last sentence, but it has literally taken me 5 minutes to start this damn sentence. Stalling. That is just stalling. I'm just going to lay it out there. Something I feel,  and I am afraid to share...because at some point I'll be talking to you in the park or at Gymboree and you'll know this really deep true piece of my soul.... and I won't have a margarita to calm my brain from reading that little twitch in your eye as disapproval or judgement or GOD-FORBID dislike. Yes, I'm still stalling.

Sometimes I feel like it would be better just to sleep. To not wake up for a while. And no, I'm not talking about killing myself or disappearing, nothing like that. Its just that sometimes the quiet and peace of sleep is really appealing and I feel like I could take, and deserve, an indefinite break.  A long indefinite break of floating weightless peace. Sometimes its just so much to keep up with and there's so much to fill my mind that it would be such a welcome change to just pause it all.

I know what you're thinking. She needs some serious therapy, and medication. I probably do. But I'm a mom and a business owner, so that like doesn't work. I don't have even an hour to sit on any couch to talk to any random person about the chaos that has become my life. I don't even have the time to shower most days. And I'm quite certain there are mother's of multiple children scoffing at me now because they know how false and silly that sentence is because one is JUST one. He is a spirited one though. Cue stream of consciousness...

My whole life I've been jealous of that 80's show that I can not remember the name of. It's the one where the girl could put her two index fingers together and pause time. Her dad was an alien and talked to her through this glowing triangle thing. Dude. That chick had it all. She could just stop time and breathe. Why wasn't my dad an alien that gave me the power to stop time and shit. What the F man? Why does my dad have to be some giant loser that's good for nothing but ruining our lives? I'd take ET over that any day of the week. At least ET "phones home." Ha!

And being a mom while dealing with all this crazy stuff is really freaking hard (wait for it because the guilt paragraph is coming**). There's just so much to deal with as a mom. Beyond the basic needs of the your child, as a mother you feel compelled to propel this amazing person into a better and more intelligent realm of life. So you read books, and teach, and make up games, and sing the ABC's for the 50,578th time this week. And then there's house work and dinner and all the other shit that goes with being a mom/ 1950's housewife pretending to be Miss Independent 2011 Lady. Yeah right. Diapers, trash, dishes. The house list is freaking never-ending. Those things are all small potatoes though; they are merely daily annoyances. BIG annoyances, but fleeting.

What I'm truly worried about as a mother is if what I'm going through emotionally is going to reflect upon my child. Will the pain and devastation I feel deep within my soul leak out onto my son? Will he be forever changed because I changed in some great way during this year? Will he fail because I have failed at being a mom by dealing with unexpected turmoil? Will he falter because I have NO idea how to deal? Will he become some lame guy because I didn't support him in some crucial way?

I know writing these things makes them seem obvious and silly, but I really do spend time and energy worrying about how my actions affect my son. I love him more than anything. There really is NO love that compares to a love of a child. So cliche, but until you feel it, you won't know. So this worry fills me to my core.

I told you the guilt** paragraph would come so here it is...

Sometimes I want to sit myself down and talk to myself like the 14 year old selfish ass hole that I'm being. I want to scold my ass for being so God damned self consumed and petty. Just recently I got an email informing me of a woman in my community that is dealing with her husband's declining health due to a terminal brain tumor, while raising 2 small girls. She is faced with going back to work and navigating a path of grief for herself and her girls. And here I sit on my ass watching American Idol eating the store delivered Fancy Chicken Sandwich, and I have the nerve to think I have it bad? What on earth has gotten into me?

And then I go to my fancy schmancy Facebook to read news that my childhood friend's murderers were convicted after a day or so of jury deliberation. Seriously? I think I have it bad and this woman I grew up with on my childhood street, had her only son taken from her in some senseless gang murder. What the fuck?

And then there's Japan. I mean for the love of all that is good an holy, there are people merely trying to live. JUST LIVE. I have a beautiful home, food, clothes, an amazing community, and I think I have it bad. The Japanese people have had one tragedy after another in the last week and a half, and I have the gall to be so involved in my own story.

I don't think I've done enough. I don't think I give enough. I know there is more for me to do for the world, for the community, for my neighbors. If I can just get through this drama, I can give and do and help. But the mark of a really fantastic human being is giving and doing and helping despite the trauma and horrors they face. A fantastic human would help regardless of what is happening. I wish I was a fantastic human being, but here I sit in my 800 thread count sheets writing on my expensive laptop computer (soon to be replaced by my iPad) writing about all the things I wish I was instead of doing things that matter.

And this brings be back to the beginning. With all this self judgement, housework, kid rearing, and Daddy drama, I just want to turn it off for a while and sleep. Sleep in for once. Sleep and recover. REST. I just want to rest. But I'll have to find another way to rest and recover that doesn't involve time or energy. Ha!

I would end it there, but its me and I just want to clarify that I love my son, my husband and my life and I'm being a HUGE baby bitching about all this shit. Ignore me. Well...at least I wrote something. I promise you the goods in the next chapter. Oh and its good. Trust me.